Lifeless Walls

1. Anno nuovo - vita nuova. We could do with a little faith in a new beginning, something we have been promised from the highest place in the country. Many say that that's the place it should all start from, many who would believe in a New Year if only they were to see a few heads fly out of the window instead of old clothes and furniture. I too would know how to enjoy such a sight on condition that the whole thing stopped at the first floor; but I'm afraid that there would be a tendency to go to the top of the Beogradjanka building. If we were to be democratic, then all of us would be found lying under someone's window.

Let us start with the founded suspicion that this regime has no intention of leaving or of changing much to our gain and their loss. Let us accept the fact that there are still many ways and means by which this can be done. Unfortunately, existing alternative methods, at least for some of us, don't give much faith or hope. Then how are we to see in the New Year and start a new life?

Those who are old or very young are the ones with the least problems. They either don't care what will happen or they don't know. Those who still have some time left or their entire lives ahead of them needn't bother over how they will put together a new beginning and end, and link together their earlier lives and that which awaits them, and find a new balance and meaning to life. This is why we are speaking primarily about those who discovered this January that they were part of the middle-aged segment of the population - those who still have some dreams and plans which they have to give up and don't have the energy or time to start all over again because everything strikes them as being old and even older. They have covered half the road and see that they can't go on, but have to start all over again.

Since one cannot ask oneself: "Should I wash my face or kill myself?" every morning, let us assume that the dilemma has been resolved in favor of soap and water, and that we are prepared to suffer all serious consequences which arise from this. At the same time, we will disregard the solution called America, which was discovered in order that we, from the Old World, should have a place to go when things got really tough. Those who left have an entirely different problem. If we haven't gone anywhere, the easiest thing would be to proclaim ourselves great patriots, but let's just say that we won't lie. Let's say that the war in Bosnia is really coming to an end and that the lifting of sanctions will continue. But are we capable of rejoicing in the fact that, if things turn out well, in ten years' time we will find ourselves in the same situation we were in twenty years ago? In Bosnia they have demolished everything and they have no choice but to build again, but the way things stand here it's as if nothing has happened, and yet there's barely any life left. We are the victims of a war no one has noticed and if we were to complain we would be thought shameless. And in the majority of cases that would be true.

But, have we, the middle-aged citizens of the Federal Republic of Yugoslavia, deserved better than what we have right now, or not even this much, is a question only St. Peter can answer, but before he does we must behave as if we have. Some things can always be deserved retroactively.

I have noticed that in America there is a tendency to define all problems as being solvable, at least in principle. This used to irritate me a bit and I found myself trying to present the situation here in such a way that they had to give up trying to give me practical advice and admit that nothing could be done. Now I think that this is the reason for the arrogant belief here that Americans are hopelessly superficial. As long as someone has a solution and is offering a way out, we think that they haven't understood the essence of the problem and we are only happy when we can present the problem as being impossible. And that's when Americans stop discussing the matter and go home and mow the lawn. What, in fact, is our problem?

Why don't we like our own environment, why is everything falling apart, why are we dealing with a regime which is strangling us, tying our hands, stealing, lying, stultifying us and pushing us back into a poverty we have once gone through? We think that we are powerless and that we have tried everything, but still we refuse to spend the rest of our lives embittered, morose and feeling sorry for ourselves. That's as it may be. We still have our private lives in which many things we can be put into order. If we don't have a lawn in front of the house, then we can give the kids a haircut.

Of course, if we try to care only for ourselves, we will soon realize that this road will not take us far, and that with each step we take we bump into the state which is so organized that it leads us on to steal, bribe, toady and trip one another up. We would like to live honestly and freely and have all we need, and not care about the state. But everywhere we turn they tell us it is impossible and that it can't be so.

We could now give up and admit to being immodest or conclude that we don't want such a state. Those who choose the latter will find that the state is offering a much easier solution and urges them to accuse and hate other nations, the West, Europe, America and the domestic opposition. Whatever they want, just as long as they steer clear of Serbian President Slobodan Milosevic who is in a very difficult situation and who is finding the best solutions and preserving us from war. However, if we do insist that he is guilty, he will tell us that what we are thinking is so unreasonable that it cannot be found in any of the papers.

Here again we have a nice opportunity for giving up since we can see that the press is being taken over by Socialist cousins who don't know how to appreciate the views of other families. And it is clear to us that Milosevic really adds up to the question of the freedom of the press. Have we finally reached the point when nothing more can be done? I'm afraid not yet.

Freedom of the press wasn't invented in order that the state might find it more difficult to function, or to complicate life. If the situation is such that it is not opposed publicly, this just means that the police will have a lot more work since they will once again have to eavesdrop on what we say in secret or between ourselves. The state wishes to know what its citizens think of it, even if it doesn't allow them to say so. As we remember, it is just such a state which is particularly sensitive to all private thoughts and nasty words, much more than those states where the press writes daily as it pleases. It is not enough for the state to take away our right to speak. It needs our active cooperation and this is where our opportunity lies. Communism failed because the citizens refused or just weren't capable of cooperating with a state organized in such a fashion. This doesn't mean that we will need another fifty years again, because this is a nationally warmed over, but totally disjointed, communism.

I don't know if this regime will change through elections or not, but I believe that the speed of change depends on our resolve in refusing to cooperate. There are many ways in which we can show that they haven't taught us anything, that we haven't acquired any experience, or learned the lessons we have been taught so far. We are just too stupid, naive and incorrigible and keep repeating the same mistakes and demanding the same things even though we have been told a hundred times that we can't have them.

The real problem lies in the fact that they will want to put us in the following situation: if the state is going to the dogs, then you are going down with it. Since this outcome is not to our liking, we have to deal carefully with them, with consideration and without revenge. But, if we have to throw something out of the window, it will be a good thing if they don't leave us without anything at all.